refuse2shine

This is my entry for challenge 8x06 over at

superhero_land. The task was to represent ourselves using creative means.

For this challenge, I chose to make 3 fanmixes and 4 sigtags.

about me: side a
LISTEN HERE ON SPOTIFY

Music has always been a big part of my life and I’ve always loved making fanmixes, so I figured it was only appropriate that I made some for this challenge. For this mix, I focused on my younger self and songs that I felt represented that part of my life.

LOVE GETS ME EVERYTIME - SHANIA TWAIN
Love gets me every time
My heart changed my mind
And I gol' darn gone and done it, hoo

Shania Twain was my idol as a kid. One of the things on my bucket list was to see her live, which I did eventually do back in 2015. This song in particular has always been one of my favourites and I remember singing it a lot as a kid.

MY MARIA - BROOKS & DUNN
Sweet Maria
The sunlight surely hurts my eyes
I'm a lonely dreamer
On a highway in the skies

I grew up listening to a lot of country music and this is one of my all time favourite songs. It’s a cover, but an excellent one.

SIMON - LIFEHOUSE
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

I was unfortunately bullied heavily as a kid. Lifehouse are one of my favourite bands and this song in particular I’ve always felt represented that experience in my life.

COLLIDE - HOWIE DAY
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

I found this song when I was a teenager in a fan video for my first real OTP (Mac Taylor/Stella Bonasera from CSI:NY) and this part of the lyrics in particular has inspired my main username on most things since then.

SOAK UP THE SUN - SHERYL CROW
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun

Karaoke is a really big thing in my life. My mom met my dad at a karaoke bar. I met the man I would eventually marry at a karaoke bar. When I was younger, there was a place that would host kids karaoke afternoons on Sundays. My family used to go often and this was my very first karaoke staple. I don’t sing it as much anymore, but I still enjoy the song.

DANCING QUEEN - ABBA
You are the dancing queen
Young and sweet
Only seventeen

High school and my early adulthood was really a time where I started to become more confident in myself and my interests. I chose this song as a representation of this.

about me: side b
LISTEN HERE ON SPOTIFY

Remember what I mentioned above about marrying a guy I met at karaoke? This fanmix is focused on that relationship and time of my life. It’s a significant portion and so I feel it was important to give that it’s own space.

DREAMBOAT ANNIE - HEART
Going down the city sidewalk alone in the crowd
No one knows the lonely one whose head's in the clouds

Heart became one of my favourite bands as a teenager. I’ve seen them live twice and it was an amazing experience both times. I’ve always thought of Dreamboat Annie as a coming of age song, and so I thought it was a good choice to open this mix.

LOCKED OUT OF HEAVEN - BRUNO MARS
Can I just stay here?
Spend the rest of my days here?

My friend who was hosting the karaoke nights I often went to with my future husband at the time sang this fairly around the time we started dating. I feel it really does represent how I felt at the time. I fell hard and fast for him.

I WON’T GIVE UP - JASON MRAZ
And in the end
You’re still my friend
At least we did intend
For us to work

This was my first dance song at my wedding. At that point, we’d been through a lot of ups and downs and so we thought this was a good choice for our first dance.

LULLABY - THE CHICKS
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I chose this song specifically to represent the birth of my daughter. Becoming a mom was a terrifying experience and I dealt with terrible postpartum depression. However, I love my daughter more than anything and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

MILLION REASONS - LADY GAGA
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay

And now we have reached the portion of the mix where the relationship started falling apart. There’d been some red flags at earlier points, but being young and completely in over my head, I ignored it, and so this song is meant to represent my indecision

BETTER MAN - TAYLOR SWIFT
And I see
The permanent damage you did to me
Never again
I just wish I could forget when it was magic

In the end, I made the decision to separate from my husband. It was hard and I questioned my decision a lot, but in the end, I think it was the right thing to do, and so I chose this song to represent that.

about me: side c
LISTEN HERE ON SPOTIFY

This last mix focuses on the past couple years of my life.

ANTISOCIAL - ED SHEERAN WITH TRAVIS SCOTT
I've been down, give me some space
You don't know what's in my brain
Music loud, easing my pain

Right after I decided to separate from my ex, I did a lot of self-destructive things, including going out and drinking a lot more than I should have, and so I chose this song to represent that.

FLOWERS ON THE WALL - ERIC HEATHERLY
Counting flowers on the wall
That don't bother me at all
Playing solitaire 'til dawn
With a deck of fifty one

Conversely, I also fell into a deep depression spiral and quite literally spent days and days in bed doing nothing. This song is a representation of that.

WHO DO YOU LOVE - MARIANAS TRENCH
Well, I've been deep in this sleeplessness
I don't know why
Just can't get away from myself
When I get back on my feet, I'll blow this open wide
And carry me home in good health

Marianas Trench has the distinction of being a bad I liked casually, until I saw them live and the performance turned them into my favourite band. This song really hit me as I was pulling myself out of the depression that consumed me, and I chose this specifically to represent that struggle.

MIDNIGHT SKY - MILEY CYRUS
Lotta years went by with my hands tied up in your ropes
Forever, and ever, no more

I sang this song at karaoke the day my divorce was finalized as kind of a celebration. Midnight Sky became a kind of anthem for me during the whole process. I related a lot to the idea of losing oneself in a relationship. Also, it’s only been in the past few years that I’ve felt comfortable enough to be open about my bisexuality and this song has clear bisexual themes to it.

BLUE SKIES - ISA BRIONES
Blue days
All of them gone
Nothing but blue skies
From now on

Fandom was something that I had stopped really being active in during my marriage and I missed it. Hilariously enough, my ex is a Star Trek fan but it wasn’t until we separated that I fell into the Star Trek fandom. Star Trek: Picard (which this cover is from) was in a way responsible for my deep dive back into fandom life.

WORKIN’ IT OUT - HILARY DUFF
I’m not slackin off
Or backing out
Or cracking up with doubt
I'm workin' it out out

The past few years have been an uphill climb for me. I chose this song from one of the CDs I still have from when I was pre-teen as a representation of my continued attempts to just keep on getting through life.

As a self-proclaimed strawberry blonde, I’ve always had an affinity for red haired characters. I decided to make some sigtags of some of my favourite red haired superheroes (and one villain).